Choices.

Life is basically a bunch of choices. Left or right. Up or down. Eat chocolate or don't eat chocolate. And then there's the big ones ... Career or no career. Kids or no kids...

Every choice is personal. In the end no one can really make a choice for you - even if you let some make a decision you still made the choice to let them decide.

And it is only you that can doubt your choices ...

One of my favorite movies is Sweet Home Alabama. Aside from the obvious reasons for loving this movie (Josh Lucas and Patrick Dempsey) I've often wondered why I was so drawn to it. This weekend, a weekend sans kids in Toronto enjoying an adult life, I finally realized why. She struggled with a choice ... New York or Alabama. Fast life versus slow pace. Every day I question my career choice. Long ago I made a decision that career was important to me, long before we had kids. Now, with a job that I have been working towards for several years, I am constantly feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I don't spend the days with Adam and Blair as a stay at home mom, I feel guilty that I don't have dinner on the table when James gets home, I feel guilty that sometimes I'm distracted by the blackberry going off, etc etc etc.

But as Josh Lucas aptly pointed out to Reese (said like I know them, lol) ... You can have roots and wings too.

Roots = Family
Wings = Career, grown up vacations with James, working out....

Our little of family of four is perfect. Adam, Blair, James and I ... It doesn't get any better. But it only works if we are all happy. I'm realizing more and more that it's not a bad thing that I need all of the above to be at my best. Obviously if one thing had to change it will not be my family as it is the most precious thing in the entire world to me ... But James and I taking time to be together brings us back to 'us', working out keeps me sane, and I'm meeting goals I set while I was in high school with my career.

So now my mission is to not doubt my choices. Doubt gets us no where ... Making the most of our choices gets us everywhere.

I am so glad we are friends.

We are told about the power of words when we grow up. Our parents try to instill in us how much power mean words have and how we shouldn't use them. But I don't remember having conversations about the power of positive words.

I got an email the other day ... Wishing me a happy birthday (ugh, I'm older) and at the end there were those five words ... I'm so glad we're friends. The power in those five small words is amazing.

They made that moment great.

I think we often forget to say the nice things. I know we think them... But how often do we say them?!

I am going to say the nice things I'm thinking more often. I have an amazing group of friends and they should know how important and special they are to me.

And to the sender of the email ... The feeling is mutual :)

Perspective.

Last year, around this time actually, I posted about a man who was blogging his battle with cancer. The big draw to his website was a birthday video he made for his wife that was beautiful.

I have been following his blog since that time. His battle has been full of ups and downs, but mainly downs. Through it all he has clung to his faith and hope. But he recently received the news no one wants to hear ... He has 3-6 months to live. He has two young boys, a wife he adores, and has 3-6 months left with him. I can't imagine.

Reading his last post was a reminder for me just how lucky I am. I have a husband who I love more and more every day, a son who has a devilish smile that melts my heart multiple times a day, and a daughter who makes me laugh more than I ever thought a 19-month old could.

The love I feel for my family is nothing I could ever put in to words and right now Kristian Anderson (the man fighting for his life) is trying to document his love for his family so that they always know he is in their hearts.

Life is so short. Painfully short. I have always told my children how much I love them everyday - but for the past few days I've stolen a few more hugs and kisses. And I plan to steal as many as possible for the rest of my life.



(should you want to read Kristian's blog there is a link at the bottom of this site)

Jiggle Jiggle.

It's been so long. Too long. I miss blogging. It's cathartic. It's my space. But alas we are so freaking BUSY. The weekdays are bananas and by the time the weekends roll around I just want to hang with James and the kids. But right now James and Adam are playing hiding hide and seek with Toby (our dog) so I have a few moments to myself.

So tonight I write about the jiggle jiggle.

My mother in law always told me that when I turned 30 things would start 'shifting'. I dismissed it every time, she was so wrong. Well, I was wrong. And if she were here right now she would take some delight in saying 'I told you so'.

All of the sudden I have some serious jiggle jiggle (that is a quote from the lips of my darling son ... Thankfully for him he didn't use it on me, yet). I have a um, tire. It's crazy. My diet hasn't changed, it's not like I have this great diet or anything but it hasn't changed. And I'm working out three times per week. But still it's there, a tire has located itself along my mid section.

It's a bit depressing. I've never had an issue with my belly. I've never had a six-pack but I've never had a beer gut either.

I told my mom about it, hoping she would say it was just a quick phase. Nope. Apparently she and many of her friends had the same issue, for quite some time. Blargh.

So tonight out come the crunches. I will defeat the jiggle... After a bowl of icing.

Balance.

I'm a slow learner when I comes to mommy-hood. There are so many women around me who seem to have been born to be mothers. They are just so dang good at it. Me on the other hand, I wasn't .. to quote Lady Gaga 'Born this Way'.

Is that a bad thing ... absolutely not. We can't all be born to be mothers. It would be a bad thing if I wasn't learning at all. But I am.

Lately I've been having alot of 'shoot me in the head' moments where I just couldn't control the kids or get either of them to listen to me. This is infuriating to me (read: ZERO patience). And once I reach that level there's no going back ~ and I say things that while in the moment I mean them ("I'm not meant to be a mother") when I come back to reality I totally don't mean that what I really meant was 'I'm totally overwhelmed and need to tap out of the situation'.

But I took the time to step back the other day ... to really think about the times I lose it. They are the days when work is so busy I can't think, the days I don't work out, the days I'm tired... not the days where work goes smoothly and I get an awesome workout in.

I've heard it a million times but its so true. Life is all about balance. One must take the time to balance out their life. I needed to take the time to balance out my life. Of course, this isn't an overnight thing, but I'm working on it.

I started a workout program. I get my buttox kicked three times per week for the next ten weeks. Already in week one I'm noticing a difference. My patience level is higher ~ if only slightly but its noticeable.

Working out was step one. Step two will be to organize myself better at work. That's another thing I'm learning from the supermoms ... while their days may not be planned they are still organized (ie. diaper bags are fully stocked, meals frozen in the freezer, etc). Step three will be to try to sleep more, or at least get better sleeps.

Step three may require teaching the dogs not to come on the bed. This was a huge mistake on our part. And by huge I mean 80 lbs x 2. The dogs are on and off our bed all night. And when they are on they are right beside us. Neither James or I has good sleeps because when an 80 lb dog jumps up on the bed, it wakes you up.

I'm pretty sure I've written a post very similar to this in the past ... like I said, slow learner.

Anyways ... that's about it for that ramble. Our children are wonderful, happy, smiling, buckets full of energy. I really don't want to miss all the amazing moments they give me because I'm losing my top. So balance it is. Wish me luck :)

Muther (insert word here).

Lately the human race has been testing me. Well, in all honesty its been two men testing me. The jerk behind me on the Parkway last night and the jacka** parking attendant who gave me a parking ticket today.

Yesterday, I stopped and let a bunch of people in ... ALL of these people kept on going to get over to the furthest lane. I knew this was what would happen, that's what always happens. Absolutely NO ONE went in front of me. But since traffic was at a dead stop (due to a red light!) I figured why not let these people in and get home to their families. And as I was about to move forward this a-hole honked at me and shot me the finger. And then I saw him ranting and screaming at me. I of course returned the gesture ... to only then notice he had a young boy with him. Are you serious?! That is what you are teaching your child?! (Note: my children were not with me.)

I was so mad I was shaking. I couldn't believe that my kind gesture was paid back by this kind of act. He then tried to chase me on the Parkway but I could see his wife pleading with him not to be a dick ... sorry honey, you're not going to win that battle. Once a dick, always a dick.

And then today, I go in to work for a few hours ON MY DAY OFF ... I'm a federal public servant. I love my job, I am lucky to have it. So to go in for a few hours with my daughter was no big deal. But I was 15 minutes late due to Blair being so darn cute that everyone (even people I didn't know) wanted to see her ... and this is how I am paid back: I took off running once outside knowing I was late ... the parking attendant (here on out known as Dick #2) saw me coming with three bags and a baby in a crappy umbrella stroller. He didn't even flinch. He kept on processing. And when I finally made it to my car he just looked at me with this blank face and said "I'm sorry".

Dick #2 wasn't ready for my reply though ... "Don't lie, you're not sorry." He didn't like that too much. But seriously, if you have to give me the ticket, fine, I can accept that ... but to show no compassion or understanding?! So as I said on Facebook, Dick #2:

I wish for you a flat tire and subsequently a parking ticket. Wait ... make that two flat tires. And a speeding ticket. And your mother should wash your mouth out with soap since you were lying when you said you were sorry.

For the first Dick, I wish that you are paid back in kind x10. I hope you are treated very very poorly after doing something nice (if that's even possible given your genetic makeup).

I know its not nice for me to wish bad things on people, but I am sick of people treating others so poorly. I wave when someone lets me in a lane, I say hi when I pass people in the street, I smile at complete strangers ... it takes no effort and lets people know we appreciate the things they do or that we at least see them.

So maybe if Dick #2 gets a flat tire this lovely long weekend he'll know its from me and next time he sees a mother with a young child running he'll give her a break. And maybe the next time Dick gets honked at maybe he'll remember what he did and say a silent "sorry".

Aside from missing Keith Urban ...

This trip has been wonderful! Last night before I had to leave for um, medical reasons (watch out Old Spaghetti Factory, I'm coming after you for damages, I may never recover from missing Keith Urban six feet away from me) we had another great time ~ we saw Dierks Bentley who was another excellent performer :)

Ashley and I booted it over to see Darryl Worsley at the Riverfront (they have free concerts all day long next to the river ... and we saw Jake Owen there (look him up ladies!)). Darryl Worsley is an older performer but extremely talented and has a hit song which makes me cry every time to see it. Check it out!

Today we are hanging out by the pool, catching a few rays, recovering to get ready for this evening: Rascall Flats, Josh Turner, Trace Adkins, Martina McBride, Little Big Town and Chris Young. Most looking forward to Josh Turner while my mom is going to swoon over Trace Adkins.

I recommend this festival for anyone who likes country music - its awesome! An experience of a lifetime.

More later!