About a week after having Blair I got sick and hung out in bed for five days. I managed to take care of Blair (feeding, changing and snuggling) but beyond that I did nothing. I lost weight quickly, I only ran through the motions with James and Adam, I didn't cook, clean (ok, I admit, I never clean), or anything really. I watched a lot of tv (Olympics specifically) and held Blair, c'est tout.
And while it was only extreme like that for less than a week, I didn't really 'snap' out of it. I would have crazy highs which were almost always followed by crazy lows (these lows included being sad, being angry, and just being flat). Its like I had lost a bit of myself and was having trouble finding me again.
I lost it several times when I felt like I was just a housewife. Felt like all I did was change diapers, clean up puke, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. In reality it wasn't like that but its what I felt. I love my job, most days I am good at my job, it gives me satisfaction. I was feeling as though I wasn't good at being a housewife, which didn't help. I felt disorganized (somewhat like this post!), unprepared, and unable to keep up. Basically I felt like a failure at the most important job I'll ever have, which just made me sink even lower.
The smallest things sent me over the edge, I'd snap. In an instant I would go from dancing around the house to yelling. And it breaks my heart to admit that Adam usually got the brunt of this, I hope I can somehow make it up to him someday.
I felt so lost. Like I was constantly battling myself ~ fighting to stay ok. It got to the point that I didn't go out (going out with friends and their adorable babies helps keep me sane), once again I was doing nothing around the house, and was crying a lot. Thankfully we took a week and headed up to James' parents' cottage. It helped so much to be outside, to not feel like the walls were closing in on me, and to not have anything hanging over me (like laundry for example ~ I can't explain how much I hate laundry). All I had to do was take care of and have fun with my babies. And fun I had ~ so much fun. My son is an absolute blast.
After this I slowly started getting 'better'. Coming out of the fog. Started filling the shell back up. Keeping busy has helped, talking to other moms has helped immensely, and mostly ... talking to my husband, explaining how I felt (however rational or irrational). I am still working on getting 'me' back, I still have lows and I still cry sometimes but its better.
I'm not sure whether I had a mild case of post partum or really bad baby blues, but what I am sure of is how lucky I am to have so many understanding patient people in my life.
A soon-to-be mom recently asked me if I had any advice ~ my only advice is not to isolate yourself and to talk, talk, talk even if you think no one will understand. Having children is amazing and wonderful but its also very hard (worth it, but hard) and having a baby creates a huge emotional, life-changing shift for which we cannot prepare.
I haven't articulated this as well as I would have hoped but maybe it will give a mom some comfort that she isn't alone and then it will be worth it.
And to my wonderful husband ... the woman you married is still in here, promise.
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