I'm a superstar ...

At getting nothing done.

Man, I can waste time like its no one's business. I am ALWAYS complaining that I have so much to do. So much laundry, so much housework, so much, so much, so much. But here I sit blogging and watching America's Next Top Model. I could have gotten so much done in the past two hours instead of sitting on my duff doing nothing ~ in theory.

In reality, even if I had wanted to do laundry, clean, etc. I am not convinced I would have been able to ~ able to put the actions together to create the intended results. Its hard for me to admit this but I'm still (after almost two months) getting used to being back at work and balancing everything. I honestly thought I would have been so good at it by now. I thought I'd be organized, prepared, and getting stuff done. But the very last thing I want to think about when I get home is what to have for dinner and worse, I have no desire to think about what's for dinner the next night therefore creating a vicious cycle. And don't even get me started about laundry (aka the never ending pile that stares at me every single day). Ugh.

I wonder when it'll all click. When I'll have the mental capacity and the energy to do all of the stuff that really needs to get done. Hopefully soon or the house may actually become a pile of laundry.

Turns out, it *may* be my fault.

I've started to take a step back these days. I mean really think about the frustrations with dealing with a three year old. And the more I do, the more I see myself. As previous posts have indicated I have a bit of a temper myself. I also get frustrated very quickly. I have a very hard time falling asleep since I can't shut my brain off. And now that I am really thinking about it, I may have a few issues paying attention (in meetings I have to doodle if I have any chance at retaining anything).

All of these, um, traits, I have shared with Adam. I get exactly what he is feeling when he's frustrated. I understand his temper tantrums. And I know that when he's bored there is no hope in heck that he is going to pay attention. What I don't know is how to help him through it. Since I obviously don't have the capacity to truly deal with it myself how am I supposed to help him?

But maybe the trick isn't for me to know everything ~ maybe its for Adam and I to figure it out together? This could be interesting ;)

Hopefully though, now that I am thinking this way and comprehending what he is going through, I'll be able to nip tantrums and frustration in the bud. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck.

In time out. Again.

No, not Adam .. Me. I'm in time out. At least I was last night, and deservedly so. But while I was serving time it got me to thinking about an article I read in a parenting magazine and how moms need a physical release on a regular basis (agreed, makes sense) and also need to recognize when they are about to 'snap' and go deal with it before they do something silly like throw the green beans across the kitchen (no, I haven't done that, although I could totally see me doing something like that).

This advice is true, we should deal with our anger/frustrations/etc before they boil over but I just don't have the warning to do that ~ I honestly go from zero to 100 in seconds (as I did last night). I had no indication that I was going to lose it but in a matter of three seconds the laptop froze up, Adam was jumping up and down to get my attention and the dogs decided they needed to urgently go outside. This caused something to bust open in my brain and the f-bomb was close to coming out (it didn't), I was pushing the keys on the laptop a little more than a little aggressively, and I did my classic "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh".

All the while Adam was looking at me like I was a freak. He politely suggested I go take a time out and I did. I managed to laugh at myself and right things with Adam but it concerns me ... do most people have warning that they are going to lose it? Am I really a freak whose fuses blow suddenly?

I am tired. I am a bit stressed. But I thought I was in control of my mojo. Guess not. I hope I eventually am able to recognize the warning signs (as I am sure there are some) but until then I'm still like a three year old throwing tantrums at a moment's notice .. so I guess at times there are two three year olds in the house, yikes!