Grown Ups.

Typically this time of year I would be watching Christmas movies ... But this year there is no freakin' snow so it doesn't feel like Christmas. So instead I am watching the movie Grown Ups. I figured it's a light movie with a guaranteed few laughs.

But this movie got me thinking about the future. About future moments with friends ... And it (pardon the cheese) warmed my heart ... To think in a few years we will likely be doing the same thing (spending an awesome weekend at the cottage with school friends and their children). I can see the moms gabbing and catching up, the dads teaching the kids their tricks, and just having a ton of fun.

I think we are in for some pretty fun years with the kids (you know, before they become teenagers and want nothing to do with us) and we are going to share those times with friends from high school. It's pretty awesome.

Growing up is hard, seems like the number of responsibilities only gets larger, the number of wrinkles goes up, but through it all friends are there ... Suffering right there with you ;)

Cheers to future weekends at the cottage!!



(Damnit - every time I say/think the word 'cheers' now I think of that bloody Rhianna song. Hate that song)

Choices.

Life is basically a bunch of choices. Left or right. Up or down. Eat chocolate or don't eat chocolate. And then there's the big ones ... Career or no career. Kids or no kids...

Every choice is personal. In the end no one can really make a choice for you - even if you let some make a decision you still made the choice to let them decide.

And it is only you that can doubt your choices ...

One of my favorite movies is Sweet Home Alabama. Aside from the obvious reasons for loving this movie (Josh Lucas and Patrick Dempsey) I've often wondered why I was so drawn to it. This weekend, a weekend sans kids in Toronto enjoying an adult life, I finally realized why. She struggled with a choice ... New York or Alabama. Fast life versus slow pace. Every day I question my career choice. Long ago I made a decision that career was important to me, long before we had kids. Now, with a job that I have been working towards for several years, I am constantly feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I don't spend the days with Adam and Blair as a stay at home mom, I feel guilty that I don't have dinner on the table when James gets home, I feel guilty that sometimes I'm distracted by the blackberry going off, etc etc etc.

But as Josh Lucas aptly pointed out to Reese (said like I know them, lol) ... You can have roots and wings too.

Roots = Family
Wings = Career, grown up vacations with James, working out....

Our little of family of four is perfect. Adam, Blair, James and I ... It doesn't get any better. But it only works if we are all happy. I'm realizing more and more that it's not a bad thing that I need all of the above to be at my best. Obviously if one thing had to change it will not be my family as it is the most precious thing in the entire world to me ... But James and I taking time to be together brings us back to 'us', working out keeps me sane, and I'm meeting goals I set while I was in high school with my career.

So now my mission is to not doubt my choices. Doubt gets us no where ... Making the most of our choices gets us everywhere.

I am so glad we are friends.

We are told about the power of words when we grow up. Our parents try to instill in us how much power mean words have and how we shouldn't use them. But I don't remember having conversations about the power of positive words.

I got an email the other day ... Wishing me a happy birthday (ugh, I'm older) and at the end there were those five words ... I'm so glad we're friends. The power in those five small words is amazing.

They made that moment great.

I think we often forget to say the nice things. I know we think them... But how often do we say them?!

I am going to say the nice things I'm thinking more often. I have an amazing group of friends and they should know how important and special they are to me.

And to the sender of the email ... The feeling is mutual :)

Perspective.

Last year, around this time actually, I posted about a man who was blogging his battle with cancer. The big draw to his website was a birthday video he made for his wife that was beautiful.

I have been following his blog since that time. His battle has been full of ups and downs, but mainly downs. Through it all he has clung to his faith and hope. But he recently received the news no one wants to hear ... He has 3-6 months to live. He has two young boys, a wife he adores, and has 3-6 months left with him. I can't imagine.

Reading his last post was a reminder for me just how lucky I am. I have a husband who I love more and more every day, a son who has a devilish smile that melts my heart multiple times a day, and a daughter who makes me laugh more than I ever thought a 19-month old could.

The love I feel for my family is nothing I could ever put in to words and right now Kristian Anderson (the man fighting for his life) is trying to document his love for his family so that they always know he is in their hearts.

Life is so short. Painfully short. I have always told my children how much I love them everyday - but for the past few days I've stolen a few more hugs and kisses. And I plan to steal as many as possible for the rest of my life.



(should you want to read Kristian's blog there is a link at the bottom of this site)

Jiggle Jiggle.

It's been so long. Too long. I miss blogging. It's cathartic. It's my space. But alas we are so freaking BUSY. The weekdays are bananas and by the time the weekends roll around I just want to hang with James and the kids. But right now James and Adam are playing hiding hide and seek with Toby (our dog) so I have a few moments to myself.

So tonight I write about the jiggle jiggle.

My mother in law always told me that when I turned 30 things would start 'shifting'. I dismissed it every time, she was so wrong. Well, I was wrong. And if she were here right now she would take some delight in saying 'I told you so'.

All of the sudden I have some serious jiggle jiggle (that is a quote from the lips of my darling son ... Thankfully for him he didn't use it on me, yet). I have a um, tire. It's crazy. My diet hasn't changed, it's not like I have this great diet or anything but it hasn't changed. And I'm working out three times per week. But still it's there, a tire has located itself along my mid section.

It's a bit depressing. I've never had an issue with my belly. I've never had a six-pack but I've never had a beer gut either.

I told my mom about it, hoping she would say it was just a quick phase. Nope. Apparently she and many of her friends had the same issue, for quite some time. Blargh.

So tonight out come the crunches. I will defeat the jiggle... After a bowl of icing.

Balance.

I'm a slow learner when I comes to mommy-hood. There are so many women around me who seem to have been born to be mothers. They are just so dang good at it. Me on the other hand, I wasn't .. to quote Lady Gaga 'Born this Way'.

Is that a bad thing ... absolutely not. We can't all be born to be mothers. It would be a bad thing if I wasn't learning at all. But I am.

Lately I've been having alot of 'shoot me in the head' moments where I just couldn't control the kids or get either of them to listen to me. This is infuriating to me (read: ZERO patience). And once I reach that level there's no going back ~ and I say things that while in the moment I mean them ("I'm not meant to be a mother") when I come back to reality I totally don't mean that what I really meant was 'I'm totally overwhelmed and need to tap out of the situation'.

But I took the time to step back the other day ... to really think about the times I lose it. They are the days when work is so busy I can't think, the days I don't work out, the days I'm tired... not the days where work goes smoothly and I get an awesome workout in.

I've heard it a million times but its so true. Life is all about balance. One must take the time to balance out their life. I needed to take the time to balance out my life. Of course, this isn't an overnight thing, but I'm working on it.

I started a workout program. I get my buttox kicked three times per week for the next ten weeks. Already in week one I'm noticing a difference. My patience level is higher ~ if only slightly but its noticeable.

Working out was step one. Step two will be to organize myself better at work. That's another thing I'm learning from the supermoms ... while their days may not be planned they are still organized (ie. diaper bags are fully stocked, meals frozen in the freezer, etc). Step three will be to try to sleep more, or at least get better sleeps.

Step three may require teaching the dogs not to come on the bed. This was a huge mistake on our part. And by huge I mean 80 lbs x 2. The dogs are on and off our bed all night. And when they are on they are right beside us. Neither James or I has good sleeps because when an 80 lb dog jumps up on the bed, it wakes you up.

I'm pretty sure I've written a post very similar to this in the past ... like I said, slow learner.

Anyways ... that's about it for that ramble. Our children are wonderful, happy, smiling, buckets full of energy. I really don't want to miss all the amazing moments they give me because I'm losing my top. So balance it is. Wish me luck :)

Muther (insert word here).

Lately the human race has been testing me. Well, in all honesty its been two men testing me. The jerk behind me on the Parkway last night and the jacka** parking attendant who gave me a parking ticket today.

Yesterday, I stopped and let a bunch of people in ... ALL of these people kept on going to get over to the furthest lane. I knew this was what would happen, that's what always happens. Absolutely NO ONE went in front of me. But since traffic was at a dead stop (due to a red light!) I figured why not let these people in and get home to their families. And as I was about to move forward this a-hole honked at me and shot me the finger. And then I saw him ranting and screaming at me. I of course returned the gesture ... to only then notice he had a young boy with him. Are you serious?! That is what you are teaching your child?! (Note: my children were not with me.)

I was so mad I was shaking. I couldn't believe that my kind gesture was paid back by this kind of act. He then tried to chase me on the Parkway but I could see his wife pleading with him not to be a dick ... sorry honey, you're not going to win that battle. Once a dick, always a dick.

And then today, I go in to work for a few hours ON MY DAY OFF ... I'm a federal public servant. I love my job, I am lucky to have it. So to go in for a few hours with my daughter was no big deal. But I was 15 minutes late due to Blair being so darn cute that everyone (even people I didn't know) wanted to see her ... and this is how I am paid back: I took off running once outside knowing I was late ... the parking attendant (here on out known as Dick #2) saw me coming with three bags and a baby in a crappy umbrella stroller. He didn't even flinch. He kept on processing. And when I finally made it to my car he just looked at me with this blank face and said "I'm sorry".

Dick #2 wasn't ready for my reply though ... "Don't lie, you're not sorry." He didn't like that too much. But seriously, if you have to give me the ticket, fine, I can accept that ... but to show no compassion or understanding?! So as I said on Facebook, Dick #2:

I wish for you a flat tire and subsequently a parking ticket. Wait ... make that two flat tires. And a speeding ticket. And your mother should wash your mouth out with soap since you were lying when you said you were sorry.

For the first Dick, I wish that you are paid back in kind x10. I hope you are treated very very poorly after doing something nice (if that's even possible given your genetic makeup).

I know its not nice for me to wish bad things on people, but I am sick of people treating others so poorly. I wave when someone lets me in a lane, I say hi when I pass people in the street, I smile at complete strangers ... it takes no effort and lets people know we appreciate the things they do or that we at least see them.

So maybe if Dick #2 gets a flat tire this lovely long weekend he'll know its from me and next time he sees a mother with a young child running he'll give her a break. And maybe the next time Dick gets honked at maybe he'll remember what he did and say a silent "sorry".

Aside from missing Keith Urban ...

This trip has been wonderful! Last night before I had to leave for um, medical reasons (watch out Old Spaghetti Factory, I'm coming after you for damages, I may never recover from missing Keith Urban six feet away from me) we had another great time ~ we saw Dierks Bentley who was another excellent performer :)

Ashley and I booted it over to see Darryl Worsley at the Riverfront (they have free concerts all day long next to the river ... and we saw Jake Owen there (look him up ladies!)). Darryl Worsley is an older performer but extremely talented and has a hit song which makes me cry every time to see it. Check it out!

Today we are hanging out by the pool, catching a few rays, recovering to get ready for this evening: Rascall Flats, Josh Turner, Trace Adkins, Martina McBride, Little Big Town and Chris Young. Most looking forward to Josh Turner while my mom is going to swoon over Trace Adkins.

I recommend this festival for anyone who likes country music - its awesome! An experience of a lifetime.

More later!

Hello from Nashville!

Well, here I am ... in Nashville, Tennessee. Crazy! It feels very odd to be away from James and the kids but I am having a grea time. We (my mom, friend Ashley and her mom Joanne) are here for CMA Fest - yes, that's right, I love country music.

We got off to a good start yesterday with a star sighting at the airport - Leanne Rimes. My mom didn't see her face though as she was focused on her insanely high shoes and equally insanely thin legs.

Last night we went to the CMT Video Awards - very cool experience - and interesting to see how its done (it was shown on tv live). But what I enjoyed the most was to see how much the artists cheared each other on - it was crazy. Keith Urban and Charles Kelley (from Lady Antebellum) were by far the most active, hand clappin' foot stampin' supporters of their fellow artists.

After the show we headed to Jerrod Neimann's fan club party ... (I'll pause for a moment for you to laugh at me for being part of a fan club) ... as part of the fan club we got in free and it was a heck of a show. Lee Brice, Jake Owen and Tyler Farr came on stage and it was a crazy party. We also got to meet Jerrod Neimann and had our pics taken with him. Oh, Ashley and I also line danced ... we kicked ass (lol).

Today we once again saw Jake Owen ... I'm a new fan. Excellent singer and performer. It is crazy hot here. There are people who have brought their children - personally, I think that in this heat its almost cruel. Its drippin' hot.

This evening we are going to the first night of the fest itself. Brad Paisley is my main attraction this evening, and when he comes on I will think of my two favourite men ... Adam and James are both huge Brad fans.

I am of course annoying James with text messages, checking in to see how things are (including at 3am last night, oops, sorry babe), they are of course doing just fine without me.

Anyways - time to eat and get ready. I am going to attempt to wear 5 inch heels this evening ... bhah ha ha, I'll probably bite it like Shania Twain did at the awards last night (she seriously did, check it out on youtube).

More from Nashville later :)

Toilet Seat Etiquette

Public washrooms are no one's favorite place. But there is no need to make the experience worse for others.

I completely appreciate that the thought of sitting on a public toilet seat is revolting. It is. I understand the need to hover. I also understand that we all have days where our aim is off. This is to be expected - for example, the day after you run a half marathon sans training you may have trouble staying steady and therefore your aim may be off. This may is result in 'spray'. And don't bother denying it - every single one of us has missed on occasion.

What I don't understand is not cleaning up after yourself. If you sway and spray - deal with your mess. There is no need to leave it there for the next unlucky person.

As you may have guessed I recently walked into a stall that was subpar on cleanliness - and of no fault of the cleaners. There was piddle everywhere. I just can't stomach the thought of cleaning up someone else's mess. Disgusting.

So, the next time you spray - think of the next person that will be walking in there or think of grandma's rule: leave places cleaner than how you found them.

I'm in love.

With my new washing machine.

Oh how times have changed ... in the past to drop a boat load of money on a washer and dryer seemed ludacris (point and case - we spent $500 total on our first set ... thinking what's the big deal ~ as long as they wash clothes we're set). But now, with four laundry producing machines in the house and the laundry being one of my assigned tasks, there was a need for more than something that simply 'washed the clothes'.

I had a few criteria when I set out - couldn't be too expensive (I don't think the kids would appreciate eating rice for the next year), had to be BIG, and had to use less water and energy.

We knew when we saw them ... sitting there, calling my name. Telling me how big they were and how many clothes I could put in them. Telling me they would save me time. And humming a tune when I opened them.

But I didn't fall in love until I did my first wash. Holy cow can I ever fit a ton of clothes in my washing machine! We're talking 2.5 times what I could put in my old washer. And it doesn't sound like its going to jump through the wall when I run it. Its amazing.

Yes, my priorities have shifted. Its pretty crazy how much changes in a few years. But they haven't shifted completely ... I still have my standards ... and my new washer/dryer set meets these standards as it is RED!

Happy Laundering to Me!! :)

Cakes.

My mom always made my birthday cakes when I was a kid. I got to go through the cake book a choose whatever one I wanted. One year I choose a candy shop. A CANDY SHOP people!!

It is this that made me want to make our kids' birthday cakes ... I still remember those cakes ... its a lasting memory. Not the cake, that's not the memory, the memory is that my mom made them for me.

And now I know what was going through my mom's mind every time she made a cake: "What the f*@% was I thinking!?".

For Adam's cake I chose a dinosaur. He's big into dinosaurs right now (why didn't I ask him what he wanted you ask ... well, I didn't want to take the chance that he said something like 'daddy's motorcycle'). Easy enough. WRONG. I sought assistance from many ... tools, recipes, guidance, support (thank goodness for Facebook). But I have to say the end result looked like a dino ... a blue one.

I complained the entire time but in the end it was totally worth it. Adam's face when the cake came out was awesome. Just awesome.

Next was Blair's first birthday cake. I thought about a '1' but in the end a Care Bear made the most sense as her nickname is 'Care Bear'. Lessons learned with this one:

1) Don't leave it until the last minute (ie. don't be icing the cake at 1am).
2) Don't choose something that everyone knows what its supposed to look like ~ because they will know when it doesn't look like it!

I tried Blair. I tried. But I failed you. You had the oddest looking Care Bear for a cake ... but thankfully you didn't seem to mind. You actually seemed to enjoy it quite a bit.

Both cakes were learning experiences. And I will do it again, if only for the look on their faces. Fingers crossed that Adam doesn't choose something crazy like the Eiffle Tower next year!

To be better.

That was my New Years' Resolution.

Easy enough right?
Well, four months have gone by ... and I'm not willing to say I've been better.
I'm not worse, but I'm definitely not better.

66% of the year left ... can I turn it around?
I hope so ... but hope will only get me so far, its the desire, that fierce need that I haven't been able to extract.

Why don't I want to be better enough that I actually DO IT? Plain and simple, because its easier not to. Its easier to be the same, to stay in my box, to eat icing that I made for the sole purpose of eating out of the bowl.

I'm at a conference this week and I am surrounded by people who want to effect change. They want to make the world a better place. My goal isn't quite as lofty but its along the same lines ~ I want to make the world I provide my kids a better place. In order to do this I need to be fit, healthy, of sound mind.

Fit ... I'm supposed to be running right now ...
Healthy ... creme brulee for dessert after a huge steak dinner ...
Sound mind ... not so much sleep these days ...

Hmm, ok, today's not the day. But there will be a day! And I am going to keep updating my blog with posts like this until I actually do it. To remind me that I have a goal.

I Believe.

I'm constantly amazed at other people. Sometimes in a good way ... others in a not so good, what the heck are you thinking kind of way. This post is about a good one.

Some people have hearts the size of the Atlantic. Some people truly believe in the power of love. Some people enact change. Some people can bring us together.

In this case ... this person loved someone enough, to bring many together, to enact change. And her heart and passion are obvious.

I'm in my bubble most of the time. Focused on myself. But everyonce in a while I click on a link in a forward ... and I am moved to tears.

To whomever the woman is who organized this ~ you are wonderful. Your friend was lucky to have you.

Take a look ... its worth while. Make sure you have your kleenex handy.

Look! An ab!

Yes, those words came out of my mouth the other day. I found an (read: one) ab. Top left. This was very exciting given my current physical state. I started the year off so gung ho ... even registered to run a half marathon (whole other post) but the days are flying by and exercise is the very very last thing on my mind. My mind is preoccupied with other things like what to eat for dinner, does Adam have clean underwear (this morning he did not = emergency laundry session), work, cleaning, surviving ... but not exercise.

I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the energy. And I know full well that if I exercised regularly I would feel better and have more energy but its starting that is pretty much impossible.

I see all these fit, toned, slender moms around me and wonder how the heck they do it. I am tired ALL DAY. I wake up tired, I go to work tired, I come home tired, and I go to bed tired. I have become a slave to caffeine. Even when the kids were infants and keeping me up all night I didn't need this much caffeine. I now add milk to my tea in the morning (ewwwww) to get it into me faster.

And even worse, what I get the most satisfaction from is food. Chocolate mainly. And chips if they are handy (and by handy I mean Walmart keeps them in stock ~ I went on an emergency run for Spicy Doritos last week).

All of this equals me being in the worst shape I have ever been and missing my abs. And for those who don't believe me ~ I was talking to Adam the other day and mentioned something about a loop hole and at the same time I adjusted my pants. James was quick (innocently) to point out that it wasn't a loop hole ~ it was a tire. I was mortified since I was not talking about my waistline with Adam.

Its definitely time to hit the exercise ... but to find the energy, I don't know. I suppose it has to come from within, but right now all my within wants is a Snickers bar.

Can you become, can you become, a new version of you?

True fans will know what I am referring to ... that line from a song will resonate with the real Felicity fans.

Lately I have been re-watching this show that was one of my favorites through high school (and I think a bit of university but these days time/dates are something I can't remember). And every time the theme song comes on it makes me a bit nervous. Nervous you ask? How could a tv show make me nervous?

It makes me nervous because I can remember the emotions and angst I was feeling when I first watched the show ... and then it hits home that in about 15-17 years I am going to have a teenage girl going through her own version of the same thing. There were so many times I was sure my life was over (yes, I'll admit, I was a BIT dramatic) ... fights with friends, my heart was broken, times I just wanted to become a new version of me and it was my mom I went to for comfort, for the right words. Blair (I hope) will be coming to me and I want to have the right words, I want to say the right thing. I want her to feel safe and secure in my arms.

Question is ~ will I have the right words? Say the right thing? Did my mom have a manual or did she just instinctively know? I hope there's a manual, my instincts have been known to let me down.

I know I am getting ahead of myself, especially when there are things I should be addressing now (like Blair, at age one, having temper tantrums) but Felicity evokes these fears (yet for some reason I can't stop watching!).

Only time will tell I suppose.

Its the weekend!

(for those who are on my Facebook ~ yes, I'm repeating myself)

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but man do I love the weekends!
They have a different meaning now that we have kids (i.e. they no longer mean sleeping in) but they are still just as awesome.

There is something to be said for not HAVING to get up to be somewhere at a certain time (yes, inevitably the kids wake up earlier on Saturday and Sunday but I don't have to be anywhere). There is something to be said for having time to make pancakes for your children. And of course, there is something to be said for having time to get my beloved non fat, no water chai.

Yes, along with weekends comes lengthy to do lists, piles of laundry, groceries, etc. But the bonus is that I can do all of the that with my family.

So I can't help but rejoice when 4:30pm on Friday hits. Its my favorite time of the week.

Y'all have a great weekend!! I know I will :)

I'm a superstar ...

At getting nothing done.

Man, I can waste time like its no one's business. I am ALWAYS complaining that I have so much to do. So much laundry, so much housework, so much, so much, so much. But here I sit blogging and watching America's Next Top Model. I could have gotten so much done in the past two hours instead of sitting on my duff doing nothing ~ in theory.

In reality, even if I had wanted to do laundry, clean, etc. I am not convinced I would have been able to ~ able to put the actions together to create the intended results. Its hard for me to admit this but I'm still (after almost two months) getting used to being back at work and balancing everything. I honestly thought I would have been so good at it by now. I thought I'd be organized, prepared, and getting stuff done. But the very last thing I want to think about when I get home is what to have for dinner and worse, I have no desire to think about what's for dinner the next night therefore creating a vicious cycle. And don't even get me started about laundry (aka the never ending pile that stares at me every single day). Ugh.

I wonder when it'll all click. When I'll have the mental capacity and the energy to do all of the stuff that really needs to get done. Hopefully soon or the house may actually become a pile of laundry.

Turns out, it *may* be my fault.

I've started to take a step back these days. I mean really think about the frustrations with dealing with a three year old. And the more I do, the more I see myself. As previous posts have indicated I have a bit of a temper myself. I also get frustrated very quickly. I have a very hard time falling asleep since I can't shut my brain off. And now that I am really thinking about it, I may have a few issues paying attention (in meetings I have to doodle if I have any chance at retaining anything).

All of these, um, traits, I have shared with Adam. I get exactly what he is feeling when he's frustrated. I understand his temper tantrums. And I know that when he's bored there is no hope in heck that he is going to pay attention. What I don't know is how to help him through it. Since I obviously don't have the capacity to truly deal with it myself how am I supposed to help him?

But maybe the trick isn't for me to know everything ~ maybe its for Adam and I to figure it out together? This could be interesting ;)

Hopefully though, now that I am thinking this way and comprehending what he is going through, I'll be able to nip tantrums and frustration in the bud. Fingers crossed. Wish me luck.

In time out. Again.

No, not Adam .. Me. I'm in time out. At least I was last night, and deservedly so. But while I was serving time it got me to thinking about an article I read in a parenting magazine and how moms need a physical release on a regular basis (agreed, makes sense) and also need to recognize when they are about to 'snap' and go deal with it before they do something silly like throw the green beans across the kitchen (no, I haven't done that, although I could totally see me doing something like that).

This advice is true, we should deal with our anger/frustrations/etc before they boil over but I just don't have the warning to do that ~ I honestly go from zero to 100 in seconds (as I did last night). I had no indication that I was going to lose it but in a matter of three seconds the laptop froze up, Adam was jumping up and down to get my attention and the dogs decided they needed to urgently go outside. This caused something to bust open in my brain and the f-bomb was close to coming out (it didn't), I was pushing the keys on the laptop a little more than a little aggressively, and I did my classic "arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh".

All the while Adam was looking at me like I was a freak. He politely suggested I go take a time out and I did. I managed to laugh at myself and right things with Adam but it concerns me ... do most people have warning that they are going to lose it? Am I really a freak whose fuses blow suddenly?

I am tired. I am a bit stressed. But I thought I was in control of my mojo. Guess not. I hope I eventually am able to recognize the warning signs (as I am sure there are some) but until then I'm still like a three year old throwing tantrums at a moment's notice .. so I guess at times there are two three year olds in the house, yikes!

The devil wears prada, Jaclyn does not.

For those that knew me through my formative teen years you know that my 'style' then was questionable (for those that didn't think flannel, plaid pants paired with a Leeds soccer jersey). But the thing is 1) it was high school 2) I really didn't care. Now however 1) it matters what I wear to work and 2) I care.

Slight problem though - I am fashion/style challenged. I see stuff I like but have no idea who to bring a concept to life. I pretty much need a paint by numbers approach - I need to be told what outfit to buy and if I happen to buy just a shirt or just pants ... oh man, that will just create a headache because when I go to wear them I will have NO IDEA what to pair with them. For example ... I may like this style, you know casual but put together:



But I would likely end up something like this:


Beyond this, I always ALWAYS react negatively to new styles. For example, slouchy-type boots ... a friend had those long before they were in stores here (I'm told they were in style in London and New York at the time) ... and I thought they were terrible. And then they hit stores here. As usual it took me a long time to come around to them, but eventually I decided they were great. This resistance creates two problems 1) I'm never in style 2) they never have my size when I decide I do in fact like them.

So, I need to adjust. I need to look at fashion in a new way. I want to look good, I want to be in style. I've hired a stylist (she is aware that the pay is crap (ie. zero)) and I am expanding my wardrobe bit by bit. This is going to be a long slow, and probably painful, process. But at this point its not an option. Flannel pants be gone! (except in the comfort of my own home of course - oh, maybe on quick trips to the grocery store too - and maybe ...)

Playlist Challenge.

As noted in my previous post I am going to be running alot in the next few months. I cannot run without music. C-A-N-N-O-T. Even when I run with people I have one ear plugged into the iPod.

But, there will be times I run for over two hours ... finding 2+ hours of music to run to is surprisingly difficult. And I fear it will be an expensive challenge as I don't have many songs therefore $1.29US x 2 hours of music could amount to alot.

Music is key though, so I need to invest a reasonable amount of time in mapping out my playlist. I've put a few shout outs on Facebook for ideas ... and I'm putting it out here too ~ any suggestions anyone has are welcome!

I need to be strategic too ... a build up ... more and more motivating as the list goes on. I already know the first song ... no words, just a great, even beat ~ from there on though, je ne sais pas.

Oh man, what was I thinking?!?

21.1kms ... again.

I never learn ... ever.
Last time I ran a half marathon every step I swore to myself I would never do it again. Especially in the last few kilometers when I was sure I was going to die.

But, I'm an idiot and I signed up to do it again. Mainly because I want to meet my goal ... the goal I missed by 0:00:00:11. Yes, 11 one-hundredths of a second. You can just imagine the words that came spouting out of my mouth when I got my official time. Basically, had I picked it up my speed in my last 10 steps I would have made it.

And this time I have given myself less training time and I am in terrible shape. Which leads me to the second reason I am running again - evidently I am the type of person who needs to pay to stay in shape. Since Christmas I have gained eight pounds (ten if I weigh myself at night)!! Eight pounds! I gained 1/3 of Blair. Son of a ...

So off I go. Kinda. I ran once this week and was pretty sure my lungs were bleeding. And then I couldn't move for three days later. So this is going to be painful but it must be done. And this time when I cross that finish line I will hopefully be going a bit faster, just in case.

Blogger-Cat

Me bestie Steph just started her own blog. Steph, being Steph, ran it by me first ... far too considerate. She was sorry for copying. In reality ~ we're all copying the first blogger ... I didn't apologize to him/her or anyone else, but Steph as I said is considerate.

Blogging is awesome. I love it and would recommend to anyone ~ anyone who likes writing, who needs an outlet, who's funny, who's dramatic, who's crafty ~ Anyone! I don't have as much time as I would like to write posts but I have many topics stored up for a 'rainy day' (by rainy day I of course mean a day when both kids nap at the same time or when the laundry fairy comes and does it all for me).

Anyways ... check out her blog.
Steph 2.0

Steph has a dry sense of humour that absolutely cracks me up but is also just real. She tells it like it is, and that is refreshing.



P.S. Several people have mentioned to me that they want to start a blog ... to which I say do it! Its fun and the worst that happens is no one reads it but you're still getting your thoughts/feelings out (in my opinion this is especially good for moms). I have even written posts, insanely emotional posts, and in the end just deleted them ~ because by getting my thoughts out on virtual paper calmed me down and made me realize I may have been acting (slightly) irrational.

While I Was Sleeping.

I love watching my kids sleep. They look so peaceful, so happy. I peek in on them from time to time (Adam mostly as Blair hears me coming a mile away and therefore usually wakes up ... which is bad news for the rest of the night!) just to make sure they are breathing (seriously, I do) and I am always captivated. They are perfect little creatures, so darn cute with their blond hair and pink lips. It takes my breath away (cue music, lol).

At times this is tricky to do since Adam has taken to sleeping on the floor (honest ~ as I write this he is on his floor buried under a pile of pillows and blankets) or Blair is sleeping facing the wall with her butt up in the air. But its worth the search to see their faces.

The other day as I was watching Adam sleep it occurred to me that my parents probably did this ~ they probably stood at my doorway and watched me sleep. And I had no idea. There are so many things that children just don't know ~ that we can't possibly know because we were sleeping or because they happened in behind the scenes.

Being a parent has its, um, shall we say, challenges. But I only need to see my sleeping beauties to remind me just how wonderful it is.

I get it now.

Shortly after we had Adam there was a news story about a woman who had left her infant (I think the child was 10 months old but I can't say for sure) in the car when she went into Tim Horton's. My initial reaction was that this was terrible. How could anybody leave their child in the car?! And then I couldn't believe that the police and CAS found there to be no issue. How was that possible?! She left her baby in the car!!

Um, ya, I get it now. It is a serious pain in the a*s getting the kids out of the car ... car seats, buckles, wiggling ... argh. I get that she was probably exhausted and just needed a coffee to stay awake to be able to take care of her baby.

So far I have only left the kids in the car to go pay for gas but I admit I have considered 'just running in' to the store many times. It would save so much time to be able to run in and run out. I know I won't do it, I won't leave them in the car, but I also know I shouldn't have judged that woman.

30 going on 13.

I was really lucky as a teen. While I faced my own issues and insecurities, acne/blemishes was not one of them.

But now, at 30 years old I have what is called 'adult on-set acne'. WTF?! I recently bought Clean & Clear ... Clean & Clear!... I followed the cue of the approximately 14 year old girl next to me and picked the same one as her.

I am hopeful that these blemishes are stress related and will disappear once our life calms down but I won't hold my breath. I got away with it through my teens, I'm not going to get away with it now.

But, since I was already thinking like a teen that day ~ as a pick me up I bought some hair dye ... in a box! It has been years since I dyed my own hair ... or rather, years that I have been paying ALOT of money to have someone else dye my hair.

So after I cleansed, I tackled the hair ... and although I lost a good shirt in the process (rookie mistake) I am quite happy with the results.

One thing I do have to say ~ while I am experiencing some skin issues and a desire to colour my own hair, I am not returning to my 13 year old body. Boo.

So much I will miss.

My kids have brought me so much. So much joy, so much love, so much happiness. But beyond this, because of them I have made, reconnected and strengthened so many friendships with truly wonderful women.

I can still remember the day (over three years ago!) I saw someone I knew from high school sitting in the OBGYN's waiting room ... turns out we were due around the same time, turns out we both had boys, turns out she is a great friend. And she introduced me to a lovely friend with a little girl close to Adam's age and energy level that is so kind, so honest and also appreciates the chai lattes.

And then there's the old work buddy (high school job = cashier at drug store) who too was has a baby around the same time as I had Adam ... and she was starting up a playgroup. In this playgroup I met some great, genuine and thoughtful people who I now consider great friends.

There's the fellow soccer player who I knew but not really well ... but is now definitely a friend, someone I trust. She is open, caring and sincere and also has an interest in lugging the kids around on our backs while snow shoeing!

And there's the colleague, who has been a friend for a while, but is now one of my closest buds. She knows who she is and I hope she knows how much I will miss rockin' to the zumba beats with her.

While I will miss Blair and Adam the most (goes without saying) ~ I will miss these ladies so much. They are rocks, constantly there for each other and without whom I am not sure I would have survived some days. To know there are people out there who get what you are going through at that exact moment, and beyond that are willing to listen to you ramble on and on about it is invaluable. I know this isn't goodbye, but I also know that time in the evenings and on weekends is so limited and there won't be many chances for Starbucks dates.

So, a big thanks to you all. You're all wonderful.

Felt like my left arm had been cut off.

Its true ... its been attached to me for quite sometime and I am very partial to it. I am also very partial to my beautiful little girl who has also been attached to me for quite sometime. But today, I left her in the care of someone else ~ at daycare. It was so hard and weird leaving her, we have spent so little time apart. She of course was a superstar and didn't even blink when I was leaving ... such a good babe. It was definitely harder on me ~ thankfully I had Adam by my side to keep me smiling.

I know I have gone on and on about this, but it consumes my thoughts these days. I don't question whether me returning to work is the right thing (for me it is) but I really wish there was a way that I could work and have her with me. I know, I know ... what about Adam ... yes, I would love to have him come to work with me but that would be cruel to him as he needs constant action.

Some have pointed out that I've done this before with Adam, but that's not really the case. When I returned to work in 2009 I wasn't leaving him with a stranger, I was leaving him with my mom. My mom took care of Adam for six months (yes, we were very lucky) and then he started at a daycare centre (side note ~ centres are more comforting to James and I ... we had a bad home daycare experience). So this is a new concept for me. One I will come to accept, but not necessarily like.

So, in two days Blair will have another transition day and then on Monday - BAM - our whole world will change. No more egg & cheese sandwiches for James in the morning, no more 2.5 hours with the kids before I take Adam to preschool, no more random cuddles during the day with Blair. But its the right thing ... so probably only a few more posts on this topic and I'll shut up. Because lets face it ~ we will all be just fine ... just a little more tired (and hungry in James' case).

I eat peanut butter from the jar.

Yup, its true. I eat peanut butter from the jar. Its wonderful.

(Please note - I am the only one who eats from this jar, absolutely no one else eats this peanut butter and nothing is baked using it either.)

This began when I found out I couldn't eat gluten anymore. I don't really like sandwiches but I love PB & banana sandwiches. How was I supposed to go on without them?? So from that I derived peanut butter and banana ~ I took peanut from the jar, placed it on the banana and enjoyed every bite. But one day I didn't feel like banana, I just wanted PB. Could I do it? Could I really just have peanut butter ... I took a giant spoonful and the rest is history.

But there's just one problem ~ I have kids. I have kids I'm supposed to be teaching NOT to do this, not to eat from the jar. So I hide my secret, I do it when they aren't looking. Its sad really, and I hang my head in shame, but I can't and won't give it up.

I missed a first.

As previously reported James and Adam are bonding over apple juice and cinnamon buns at the cottage this weekend. I think this is so great for both of them and hope its something they start doing regularly (not too often though, I would miss them too much). But with that wish I have to accept that I am going to miss stuff, I am going to miss Adam discovering new things.

This weekend Adam went snowshoeing for the first time. I know I have probably missed many 'firsts' but I have been there for all the major ones and I feel like this one was big. Our little big man, learning to snowshoe.

Its a weird feeling knowing that I missed this moment. Its weird trying to accept that I am going to miss so many moments in their lives. Blair is about to start daycare, and aside from the the week we were away on our cruise, I haven't missed a day with her ... but I will now. I wonder if her daycare provider will be overwhelmed when I ask how her day was by saying "tell me everything!"?

Thankfully James took several pictures of Adam snowshoeing and his excitement is palpable in them ... he looks like he's having so much fun! So much so I have to share:














I already know I am going to be the annoying mom who wants to know everything ... and now I understand why my mom always asked what I did, where I went, who I saw ... she wasn't being curious, she wasn't being nosy ... she just wanted to know, because she wasn't there, because she missed moments (ok, and maybe just a little bit nosy).

Life with one.

James and Adam left on Friday for their first ever boys' weekend at the cottage. As a result Blair and I are enjoying our first ever girls' weekend. We of course started off with a bang and went shopping but other than that its been pretty low key ... and quiet. At times, almost eerily quiet.

So I've been thinking about life with one child, life with only one pant leg being tugged at, only one kid saying "ma ma". And honestly, I miss the chaos, I miss the loudness. I miss my men.

On Friday as I was getting Adam ready for preschool I was ready to LOSE MY MIND. If I had heard "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam" one more time I think something in my brain would have snapped (seriously, at one point I begged Adam to call me mommy, there is just something about the way "mom" comes out that drives me bananas). But now, as I sit in my quiet house with both dogs and Blair sleeping I want to hear Adam's voice. I want to watch as he discovers new things (loudly, because Adam has yet to learn the concept of inside voice).

I'm not going to lie and say I haven't enjoyed the quiet at all ~ I definitely have, its been good for me, almost like a reset. But I have had enough. Our house is meant for laughter and loudness (although our neighbours might disagree).

But, I will say this ... life with one is a wee bit easier. Its calmer. Its more manageable. And for some reason one parent vs one kid is easier than two parents vs two kids. I'm not sure why but its true. But I've never been calm, I've always liked challenges, and for me chaos is the way to go.

I'm sure I will feel a little overwhelmed when James and Adam come barrelling into the house but I cannot wait for those big hugs and to hear Adam's stories from the weekend. And honestly, one reason I am writing this post is so that I can revisit it on the days when I just want some quiet ... to remind myself that while quiet is good for the soul and necessary sometimes, its the chaos that I love.

Apple = Awesome.

I have an iPhone 3G. To some this may be old news (I mean, like really, who doesn't have an iPhone 4??), but for me it is awesome and I LOVE it. It is the greatest phone I have ever had and is absolutely perfect for me.

James bought me the phone used as he knew I would never buy one for myself. I use it all the time. I repeat - All the time!!

So the day the wireless connection stopped working was obviously a sad day for me. We tried all the fixes the Apple website suggested and all the fixes random forums offered. But none worked. Due to this I watched my data usage go up and up and up ... and being worried about usage makes the phone not quite as great.

Seeing how bummed I was James booked me an appointment at the Apple Store. At the Genius Bar to be exact. I walked in, asked a random Apple employee and she used her cool iPad and confirmed my appointment. I was a bit early so I got to observe for a while - there was a ridiculous amount of people in the store, all of which smiling and some were even cashing out with employees who just had iPads!!

I digress, my apologies. So Nick the Apple guy comes out, checks out my phone, tries a few fixes, makes sure there's no water damage, and then goes to the back. At this point I figure the phone is toast and I'm going to have to buy a new one (because lets face it, I can't live without it now). Nick returns with my phone ... and a box ...

He explains that even though my phone is a year out of warranty, because there is nothing I could have done or foreseen to make this happen (note: I have a preschooler at home, who the heck knows what could happen! ... plus, I dropped it, my bad) they are going to replace my iPhone 3G 8GB with a new iPhone 3G 8GB for free!! Now THAT is customer service!! I did have to waive the right to a warranty but I didn't have one in the first place.

I will definitely buy Apple products again. In my opinion their customer service is unparalleled and they have earned their highly positive reputation.

So all that to say ... Apple is Awesome.

Bad Blogger!

Its been way too long since I have posted but honestly there has been no time. Adam turned three last week. THREE!! Insane. Also insane is the idea that I could make a dinosaur cake ~ post re cake to come but I will say this: Cakes take a LONG time.

Beyond the cake we were busy getting ready for his birthday party, catching the flu and starting to prepare for the imminent return to work. And somewhere in all of this I lost a week ... I started out the week saying I had to go back to work in three weeks, only to realize yesterday it was only two :(

Time, there is never enough. But right now Adam and I are cuddled up on the couch watching Toy Story 2 for the thirtieth time I thought I might try to catch up on my bloggin'.

Below is a picture of Adam ... so proud!

Negativity does not = bad.

I feel as though lately my posts regarding my children have been fairly negative ... and this really isn't fair to them. Adam and Blair are wonderful. They make us laugh every day and the thought of them makes me smile from ear to ear. It can be very trying as a parent but it really is amazing to watch the grow right in front of you. Adam will be three in two days ... this is absolutely insane to me. I still remember holding him for the first time like it was yesterday. I remember driving to the hospital wondering if this was 'it'.

In the past three years so much has changed ~ and aside from the dent they have made in our pocket books (because, lets face it ~ kids are expensive!) ~ its been awesome!

On a daily basis we get a great quote from Adam. A quote for the memory banks ... this is pretty darn awesome. Here are two of my favorites:

"Mommy, my penis is tired of watching soccer."

Adam: "Daddy, is that your Adam's apple?"
James: "Yes it is."
Adam (pointing to his Adam's apple): "Is this my Daddy's apple?"

As we embark on the 'terrible threes' I am a little nervous (who knows what to expect), but more than that I am excited. I wonder what curve balls he will throw at us?? I'm sure there will be many!

So, for all my negative, whiny posts, there could be thousands of positive ones ... ones documenting moments never to forget. Moments like the one yesterday where I realized that Blair has figured out zippers and tupperware containers (realized due to the pile of cheerios she was surrounded by ~ which had been safely hidden in her closed diaper bag).

Realistically, my posts will probably continue to have a somewhat negative flavour since this is my release and one doesn't tend to need a release from the wonderful moments. And lets face it ~ sometimes its the frustrating, irritating, infuriating moments that provide for the best read! But for the record ~ my family is the absolute best and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Oh come on!

I didn't even have time to get in shape!



Apparently moving on quickly is part of my mulligan's MO ... so fast between Alanis and Scarlett and now onto Sandra. Yikes!

Well, at least I can eat chocolate guilt free now ;)

"Either she goes or I go."

Yes, I said it. I said that about my beautiful 11-month old daughter. Did I mean it? Of course not. But I just couldn't take it anymore ... she had (yet again) woken up screaming after I had just fallen asleep. And falling asleep is not an easy thing for me ~ I have to read, often for over half an hour, to get my brain to shut off. So to be woken up at midnight after 40 minutes of 'going to sleep' I lost it.

I just couldn't take it. At 11 months old she really shouldn't be waking up multiple times per night (every once in a while she's going to wake up, I get that, whether its teething, belly ache, dreams, but those don't happen every night). I hate to compare but at this age Adam was a pro at sleeping through the night. If Adam woke up we knew it was something big. This is not the case for Miss Blair.

I am going back to work in three weeks ~ I will not be able to function on broken sleep (I know I sound like a broken record in my posts lately but I am really worried about this). The worst part is that I have created this situation, I only have myself to blame. Its me who has been going to her every night (James, lucky duck, is able to sleep through it), its me who has been giving her the bloody soother or rocking her back to sleep.

So last night we let her cry it out. Extremely hard but I knew nothing was wrong with her, she just wanted me (this was confirmed the previous night when James went to her and she would have nothing to do with him). She cried for the better part of two hours. I REALLY hope this works as I am obviously starting to lose my marbles.

For now both Blair and I are staying. But the idea of Adam and I staying in a hotel for a few days while James sleeps through the crying has been thrown out there and I am seriously considering it if it means 1) some solid sleeps and 2) a baby girl who sleeps through the night.

Good Days and Bad Days.

Today was a bad day. A very bad mommy day. My almost three year old told me not to yell (for the record I was not yelling at him ... I was yelling at our busted ass can opener) ... brutal.

Some days I wake up and I can handle anything - anything the world and the kids throw at me I can take and deal with it like a champ. Others, not so much. There is a pattern to this - if I wake up tired its probably not going to be a good day. My patience switch is so much easier to trip when I am tired.

Even though I know I am being unreasonable (how much can one really expect from a preschooler?) I still can't snap out of it.

Its not like I am not getting sleep - the trouble is, its still broken sleep (Blair refuses to sleep through the night). Broken sleep = a cranky Jaclyn. This scares me since my return to work is less than a month away. I fear snapping at my boss may not be good for my career. But more importantly it scares me because I don't want Adam to think of me as a lunatic ... a lunatic that screams at can openers.

I hope tomorrow is a good day.

2010 - A Wonderful Year, in pics!

An amazing year ... and thanks to these and the many many more on our hard drive I will always be able to cherish it, in colour :)